I hate filling out job applications, I think they are dumb and a waste of time. So I decided to make up my own application for my next job.
APPLICATION FOR YOUR NEXT LIFE
Thank you for choosing "YOUR NEXT LIFE" company. We are proud of our employees, and are constantly improving and upgrading our jobs to make your position within the company a rewarding and satisfying one. If you have any questions, comments or suggestions to make "YOUR NEXT LIFE" even better, please leave a note in the suggestion box on your way out.
HAVE A NICE LIFE!!
The Management
Please answer all questions as accurately and truthfully as possible. If you need more room for your answers, use the extra paper we have provided you.
1) Do you want to return as a:
MALE
FEMALE
OTHER* (If you chose OTHER, please explain)
2) Do you want to return as a:
HUMAN
ANIMAL* (If you chose ANIMAL, continue to Part 2B. If you chose HUMAN, continue on to question 3)
2B) Please pick an animal you would like to be. Please choose at least 3. Be aware that "DOGS & CATS" have all been filled for at least 5 lifetimes, so are not listed.
HORSE
PIG
COW
SHEEP
DONKEY
RABBIT
OTHER FARM ANIMALS* ( "Other" could include but not limited to: GOATS, CHICKENS, DUCKS, LLAMAS, TURKEYS, etc.
Please be aware that choosing any of the animals listed may mean that you could be killed and eaten at anytime, so there is no guarantee of a long "next" life)
2BB) If FARM ANIMALS aren't your thing, please choose from the following:
ELEPHANT
LION/TIGER* (this choice may also include bobcat, mountain lion)
CAMEL
BIG FOOT/SASQUATCH
BEAR* (could be: polar, brown, grizzly, panda, black, sloth)
WEASEL
WATER BUFFALO
BEAVER
MEERCAT
SKUNK
RACCOON
WOLF/COYOTE
EVERYTHING ELSE (the company will choose for you)
RARE OR ENDANGERED SPECIES* ( this choice changes by the day, so be aware that you may live for only a short time, or, if you are picked to be saved, (example-EAGLE) you may have a safe, long life. Or not.)
We cannot stress enough - any animal you choose has the potential to be killed at any time, so choose your answers wisely. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
2BBB) This section includes BIRDS-REPTILES-FISH
Do you want to return as a:
BIRD Please pick your top 5 choices. Example: Bluebird, Pelican, Crow. If you want to be a farm bird, go back to 2B.
REPTILE Please pick your top 5 choices. Example: Iguana, Monitor lizard, Python. Please include Turtle in this category.
FISH Please pick your top 5 choices. NO GOLDFISH PLEASE.
SKUNK
RACCOON
WOLF/COYOTE
EVERYTHING ELSE (the company will choose for you)
RARE OR ENDANGERED SPECIES* ( this choice changes by the day, so be aware that you may live for only a short time, or, if you are picked to be saved, (example-EAGLE) you may have a safe, long life. Or not.)
We cannot stress enough - any animal you choose has the potential to be killed at any time, so choose your answers wisely. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
2BBB) This section includes BIRDS-REPTILES-FISH
Do you want to return as a:
BIRD Please pick your top 5 choices. Example: Bluebird, Pelican, Crow. If you want to be a farm bird, go back to 2B.
REPTILE Please pick your top 5 choices. Example: Iguana, Monitor lizard, Python. Please include Turtle in this category.
FISH Please pick your top 5 choices. NO GOLDFISH PLEASE.
2BBBB) Do you want to return as a:
DOMESTIC ANIMAL
WILD ANIMAL
*Please be aware that this choice could include a circus, lab or zoo animal, which may cause much pain, misery and lonliness.
3) Do you want to return as a:
HETEROSEXUAL
HOMOSEXUAL
BISEXUAL
ASEXUAL
ALL OF THE ABOVE
4) Do you want to return as a:
U.S. CITIZEN - AMERICAN
EVERYTHING ELSE* (If you chose this, please explain. BE SPECIFIC!!)
5) Do you want to return as a:
WEALTHY PERSON
INTELLIGENT PERSON
BEAUTIFUL PERSON
SORRY, ONLY ONE CHOICE ALLOWED!!
6) Do you want to return as a:
MARRIED PERSON
SINGLE PERSON
DIVORCED/SEPARATED PERSON
SINGLE PERSON WITH CHILDREN
MARRIED PERSON NO CHILDREN
DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN
DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN, ALIMONY, CHILD SUPPORT
SERIAL MARRIAGES - BUT NOT MORE THAN 5 TIMES
DIVORCED MORE THAN ONCE (BUT NOT MORE THAN 5 TIMES)
*Sorry, you cannot pick how many children you would like. Numbers range from 1-16. Company policy, no exceptions.
7) Do you want to return as a:
CITY DWELLER
COUNTRY DWELLER
8) Do you want to live in a:
HOUSE
APARTMENT
CONDO
CARDBOARD BOX
9) Do you want to return as a:
GOOD, HONEST, DECENT PERSON
MEAN, LYING, DECEITFUL PERSON
(This question is included as requested by our Psychological Department)
10) Would you like to skip one or more lifetimes and wait for your first choice, or settle for another choice and return immediately?
WILL WAIT FOR MY FIRST CHOICE
WANT TO COME BACK RIGHT AWAY
11) Would you like to:
LIVE IN INTERESTING, BUT POSSIBLY DANGEROUS TIMES.
LIVE IN A BORING, SAFE, UNEVENTFUL TIME.
12) Do you want to return as a:
WHITE COLLAR/PROFESSIONAL PERSON (example-Doctor, Prostitute)
BLUE COLLAR PERSON (example-plumber, garbage collector, President)
UNEMPLOYED PERSON
13) Do you want to return as a:
INANIMATE OBJECT (example-rock, scissors, paper, plastic, smoke, oil)
ANIMATE OBJECT (example-air, water, tree)
**We realize that there is much disagreement about these two categories. For example, some say trees do not belong in this section. Or rocks for that matter. But this is our application and therefore we reserve the right to categorize as we see fit.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM US IN THE NEAR FUTURE. BE AWARE THAT WE REQUIRE A DRUG TEST FROM ALL OF OUR POTENTIAL EMPLOYEES.
